A couple really important things are going on in the photos above. The first is that I’m wearing clothes I love. The second is that I feel like my clothes reflect my attitude.
For a long time I’ve dressed in a way that many people would describe as “girly”. I’ve written about it before, and how it isn’t exactly what I think my vibe is, but there’s something very safe to me about dressing feminine in my fat body. Something that makes me feel less harsh, softer, more acceptable. Maybe if I wear this flowery dress people will be less offended by my aggressive demand to be treated like my body deserves to take up the space it holds. Perhaps a cute pastel combo will sway people into thinking my husband isn’t living some sad life where he has settled for a fat girl with a bad attitude when they see us together. Or my cute pink lipstick will somehow soften my naturally authoritative voice.
What I’ve learned from dressing that way is that it does in fact work. When I dress in feminine clothing it actually does appear to make me more acceptably fat to some people. Great. Now I know, and I can move the fuck on. That was a super boring and tiring experiment to unknowingly put myself through, and I’m hoping I don’t have to test that theory ever again. I can’t dress for other people’s perceptions anymore. There are too many clothes to wear and too many fun things to try on, for me to keep playing it safe. And that doesn’t mean I never wear frilly flowery things ever again, it just means that I don’t have to. I am releasing myself from being trapped in that mind frame.
Who would have ever guessed personal style could be filled with so many hang-ups?