I Want To Own ALL The Plus Size Bikinis

*this post contains mentions of eating disorders, self hate, and fat hate

Prepare yourself for outfit posts that look a lot like this one for the next several months. That’s right, bikinis are outfits now. It was 80 degrees outside yesterday, and this is not a game.

Bikinis have become my life blood. I live for this time of year, as my husband watches tiny package after small box come through our front door, knowing each has a teeny bikini in it. I want them all. It’s excessive, yes. We maybe had to buy a little extra storage crate. These things happen.

These things are especially likely to happen when you’ve been told you’re not able to wear a bikini your whole life. I did not grow up a fat kid, in fact I grew up a fairly average sized, athletic, and muscley little babe. I had fat on my belly, and my hips and thighs… you know… as most humans do. I struggled with always being taller and a bit more stalky than everyone else. My family is sturdy, I am strong, my body is not dainty. When I went swimsuit shopping with my mom we would look through the racks at Dillards and see the endless options of S, M, L bikinis. I would try on a large bottom and it would cut into my firm hips.

At the pool I would adjust my suit, hoping that nobody noticed how tight it was. I carried a towel around with me so nobody had to see my body once I was out of the pool. When teenage boys walked by, I would cover my belly with my arm. I developed an eating disorder.

That’s how quickly it happened. One minute I was sad that I couldn’t find a bikini in my size, the next minute I was spending the day monitoring the roars of my stomach and getting quiet satisfaction from the emptiness. I was growing, and my body wasn’t going to give in to my desire to be thin easily. Instead of steadfastly starving myself, I rotated between cycles of restriction and binging. My adolescence was a roller coaster of gaining and losing. I lost touch with the reality of what my body looked like. I hated myself.

At 31 years old, I’ve done a whole hell of a lot of work to heal. I’ve discovered my values. I’ve allowed myself to hurt, be angry, be bitter. I’ve seen what my body can handle, and what it cannot. I know what it looks like to abuse yourself. I know what it feels like to have your commitment to loving yourself questioned, when it’s the only thing keeping you alive. And I know I’m not alone.

Maybe my swimwear collection is a bit excessive. Let’s just say I’m making up for lost time. And maybe I’m going to hang out in my bathing suit a little more than most people. I want to say that I’ve earned it, but the fact is I was always deserving of this comfort in my own skin. Now I’m going to celebrate.

All items c/o SimplyBe.com
Kimono | Bikini | Sandals |Handbag

Fat Girl Flow

 

Previous Story
Next Story

You Might Also Like

  • Karen
    May 5, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    Love, love, love! I got my first bikini last year, the most modest bikini you ever did see, and I only got to wear it once, but I revelled in it. And the only comment I got was from my niece who said it was cute. (I love my family.) That one is a little snug – it looks okay but the elastic has a death grip on me, so this year I’ve added two more that fit better. I’m giddily anticipating our beach vacation in June when I’ll get to show them off! They’re still pretty modest, partly because my pale, sensitive skin is prone to getting random red spots across my belly, and partly because I’m still a little afraid. It’s been thirty years since that much of my body was visible in public. So I’m really looking forward to being inspired by your bikini posts!

    • fatgirlflow
      May 5, 2016 at 3:37 pm

      awwwww I’m so excited for both of us this year Karen!!!!! <3

  • Addie
    May 5, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    I can’t wait to watch the video when I get home, the pictures are amazing! I grew up athletic, had some family issues happen to bring me down, I turned a boy down and be harassed me endlessly and I started bingeing. It’s amazing how quickly it can happen when you’re not even paying attention!

    • fatgirlflow
      May 5, 2016 at 3:37 pm

      It really is. One day you’re ok, and then suddenly… you’re down the rabbit hole!

  • Alaysia Vaughn
    May 6, 2016 at 12:29 am

    Corissa, thank you. Thank you for being so real, and open, and honest with all of us. More importantly though, thank you for pushing me into my own self love journey. Ever since I’ve found your youtube channel, and then your blog, I’ve been able to reach a point in my life where I’m no longer apologetic for my body. It’s silly that it takes another person to push us to that sometimes, but you were that catalyst for me. There’s a whole lot worse things someone can be in this world other than fat, and we’d all do good to remember that.

    • fatgirlflow
      May 6, 2016 at 11:53 am

      I totally understand. I’m lucky that I had an awesome group of people that pushed me into it as well. We all start somewhere, and representation is so important and essential to self love. Funny how when we’re shown that people like us can do something we believe we can also <3 <3 <3

  • Noelle
    May 6, 2016 at 7:50 am

    It breaks my heart that society’s expectations start bearing down on us at such a young age. But that’s why it so important that we’re out there everyday working to change that expectation, so girls don’t have to live like that anymore. Thank you for all you do to make that happen!

    http://www.theclassyjunk.blogspot.com

  • Robin
    May 8, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    I finally bought a bikini—very modest. I am 58. Backyard only. Tell me where to get the cure coverup–the black sheerone with the the flowers on the lapel.

    I have watched you on youtube and you have given me the courage to try new clothes. get this, I wore a sleeveless tank this weekend.

    I wish that I had mentors like you when i was younger. I feel so honored and happy to have found you. I have a fashion mentor!

    Thank yu so much. you are doing great work for the world!

  • Mary Zee
    May 11, 2016 at 11:50 am

    I’m going on vacation to the beach soon. Just bought my first bikini (of my adult life) thanks to the encouragement from you and my other favorite body positive peeps…but I’m still scared to death to wear it in public!! I’m SO self-conscious about my stomach. 🙁 Years of being told to hide my fat are hard to overcome.

  • Mary Zee
    May 23, 2016 at 11:53 am

    I had to follow up… I’m going on vacation in 2 days and I’m not only wearing that one bikini, but I’ll be rocking the SECOND bikini I bought as well!! 🙂 🙂 Thank you, Corissa, for giving me the confidence and strength to be my beautiful self as I am RIGHT NOW. XOXOXO

  • RMAU
    June 13, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    I was always the biggest, tallest girl in the class, positioned in the back, middle of every class photo. There were not a lot of options for plus sizes in Canada at the time. I had to wear jogging suits to school or anything else I could find with flexible sizing. I didn’t have a lot of peers that looked like me. It made me feel so alone and isolated.

  • Robyn F.
    June 30, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    I have to tell you that I bought my first (and second) bikini since high school or before – more than 20 years ago! I got one from Kohl’s and one from Simply Be (this one is RED!). My plan – courage and weather permitting – is to wear one at the beach this 4th of July weekend. By the way, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that Simply Be uses bra sizing for the bikini tops. That makes it SO much easier to get the correct size on the first try via online shopping.

  • Susanne A.
    July 16, 2016 at 6:35 pm

    I love everything about you. Can I say that without anyone getting weird about it? Because I don’t mean it in a weird (i.e. sexual, which isn’t weird, but you know what i mean) way. You’re just an amazing, wonderful, gorgeous woman!

    • fatgirlflow
      July 17, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      thank you!!!! It’s not weird at all it’s absolutely a wonderful compliment <3

  • teresa piccirillo
    November 27, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    a 58 year disabled woman 240lbs i prefer skirts ,long .iam wheelchair bound wouldlike tosee more wheelchair fashion.