It’s Ok To Not Be Ok

I am not one of those wonderful people who can “fake it till you make it”. No, I have a different kind of approach. It generally involves lying in bed and crying, while refusing to wash my hair, acting like people I love are jerks, and eating nothing but rice krispy treats. It happens every year around this time, the sun goes away, and I hide. I’m not ok. I’m not going to be ok again until Winter is over.

I’ve tried sunlamps, vitamin D, meditation, I even have no blinds/curtains on my bedroom windows so that the tiny amounts of sunlight that may exist will leak in through my window and onto my bed in the mornings. I go to therapy… sometimes, when I can make myself. I’m on medication. I go to breakfast with my best friend, we laugh a lot. I take extra time for myself, and practice a lot of self-care. I tell myself that my readers aren’t that interested in Winter outfits anyway, so I don’t have to feel too bad about never getting dressed. I spend time with people I love and they make me really happy. Still, I’m not ok.

I’m coping.

I know these feelings, and they’re not the first time I’ve had them. I know that one day in March the sun will shine bright as hell and I’ll clean my entire house and my husband will look at me with love in his eyes and say “you’re solar powered!”. I know I’ll be inspired to take outfit photos again. I know meditation will feel good again soon. Maybe I’ll even eat something other than rice krispy treats eventually.

Until then, I’m coping.

I can’t fake it till I make it. That’s ok. Some times discomfort isn’t something we’re able to run away from. So I sit with it. I try to make it as easy on myself as possible. I let myself feel happy when I can. I don’t beat myself up about not being the most effective, most inspired, most motivated person I can be. I tell myself that it’s ok to not be ok, and I believe that. I hope that if you’re struggling with some thing hard, you believe that too.

Take care of yourself.

fatgirlflow.com

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  • Steph
    February 2, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    This time of year is hard as hell. I feel ya.

  • Midge
    February 14, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    It would be great to be a snowbird, living in one place w/ pleasant summers AND then spending the three or four months of winter somewhere else, in a place which has sunshine all year! Alas, to be a snowbird. Hang in there; spring is coming!

  • Jen
    February 19, 2016 at 9:11 pm

    I’m rooting for you!!!! Spring is coming though I’m here dealing with snow I think how cute I look in my crop turtleneck lol but honestly I hope you get well and dream of la sunsets and high waist swimsuits well ok that’s what makes me happy. Lol One other thing I do I take a winter trip to a hot place. It’s refreshing!

  • Leah
    March 22, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    I’m just reading alllll your posts as I love your blog. This post is so me. I have SAD and depression and it sucks balls. Here in the UK the sun is coming back and I’m starting to feel like a human again. I wish I could take October-March off blogging and go and live in Maui or somewhere. πŸ˜‰ #Solidarityforsolarpoweredfatties lol.

    • fatgirlflow
      March 23, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      I am so with you. October-March is REALLY HARD. But we’re almost into April and right now I EVEN HAVE MY WINDOWS OPEN. This year was a lot easier than it’s been in past years, it seems like every year that I make it through it gets a little bit easier to remind myself that sunshine is right around the corner! Maybe by the time I’m 50 I’ll start enjoying the grey days?!? HA! I won’t hold my breath. <3