A LITTLE REFLECTION AND A BIG THANK YOU

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Since I started blogging in April a lot of things have happened, and huge gigantic leaps forward have been made in my body positive journey. My first ever post was about my dreams of wearing a crop top out in public, and this Sunday I proudly published a post where I sported the cutest little tied up shirt and jeans. I did it. I actually wore a crop top out in public… my belly button was even showing, ya’ll! After our little photo shoot (I always feel a little silly calling them photo shoots because in reality I just stand around and my partner takes like 10 pics of me and then we go home) we went to the Farmer’s Market and bought a few hydrangea stems and beef jerky. And the whole time my belly was hanging out saying “hello world I am free!!!”. Later on in the day one of my girl friends text me because she saw that I had reached 10k instagram followers. While I’m not actively trying to be a social media super-star, it definitely feels good to know that many people are keeping me company on this wild little life path I’ve built for myself.

In October I’m going to get married. Not once have I thought about “fitting” into my dress, or sweated the fear of seeing “fat” photos of myself. I’m just excited to have all the people I love around while I wear a pretty outfit. That’s something I didn’t use to have, I didn’t have room to just enjoy myself. I tried hard, I really did. But for as long as I can remember there has been a part of my brain consumed with my fatness. No matter what was happening, or what I was going through there was always the reminder of my fat body and that nothing would ever be “right” if I didn’t turn my body into a temple of perfection. And my fear of my body was not just limited to my fat. The ideas were pervasive, and I found myself obsessing over aging, becoming ill, and my biological clock. I remember once on a diet website I filled out my bio with “fluffy girl, who wants to reflect who she is on the inside to the outside world”. Back then that was true, I was being sincere. It’s only now that I can see how pained and unfair those words are. I was perfect back then. I am perfect now.

Some times I feel like I’m moving a million miles an hour. I want to do so much, I want to talk about so many things, I want to reach so many people. I take on a new project every week, and every week I think “more! GIVE ME MORE!”. It feels like a lot some times, but I guess that’s what happens when you clear up all that space in your brain that is beating you up over being fat. I’ve filled all that space with things I enjoy. Things that don’t make me cry and hate myself. And guys… wow… there is like so much room in my brain I had no idea I could hold this many things?!?!

And my favorite thing that I’ve been able to make space for is all of you. This community, the people who share their stories with me, those of you who comment on my social media, and everyone who just stops by and reads my words. I feel like I’ve found all of you (or maybe you found me?) at the most perfect spot in my journey. You are all so validating and kind and there are not enough “thank you’s” in the world for how much that means to me. I love that you challenge me to push myself while simultaneously reminding me that I am safe and loved. I hope I can return the favor. From the bottom of my big fat heart, thank you so much for keeping me company. Thank you so much for the love and support. Only exciting things are ahead of us, and I can’t wait to share it all with you!