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I am not one of those wonderful people who can “fake it till you make it”. No, I have a different kind of approach. It generally involves lying in bed and crying, while refusing to wash my hair, acting like people I love are jerks, and eating nothing but rice krispy treats. It happens every year around this time, the sun goes away, and I hide. I’m not ok. I’m not going to be ok again until Winter is over.
I’ve tried sunlamps, vitamin D, meditation, I even have no blinds/curtains on my bedroom windows so that the tiny amounts of sunlight that may exist will leak in through my window and onto my bed in the mornings. I go to therapy… sometimes, when I can make myself. I’m on medication. I go to breakfast with my best friend, we laugh a lot. I take extra time for myself, and practice a lot of self-care. I tell myself that my readers aren’t that interested in Winter outfits anyway, so I don’t have to feel too bad about never getting dressed. I spend time with people I love and they make me really happy. Still, I’m not ok.
I know these feelings, and they’re not the first time I’ve had them. I know that one day in March the sun will shine bright as hell and I’ll clean my entire house and my husband will look at me with love in his eyes and say “you’re solar powered!”. I know I’ll be inspired to take outfit photos again. I know meditation will feel good again soon. Maybe I’ll even eat something other than rice krispy treats eventually.
Until then, I’m coping.
I can’t fake it till I make it. That’s ok. Some times discomfort isn’t something we’re able to run away from. So I sit with it. I try to make it as easy on myself as possible. I let myself feel happy when I can. I don’t beat myself up about not being the most effective, most inspired, most motivated person I can be. I tell myself that it’s ok to not be ok, and I believe that. I hope that if you’re struggling with some thing hard, you believe that too.
Take care of yourself.
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